In the early morning hours of September 30 I started to feel weird. This feeling was different from the general weirdness I feel which happens when I haven’t had enough sleep. That weirdness is characterized by grumpiness, sore eyes, and yawning. No this weirdness was…weirder. I didn’t realize what it was at first. My body felt out of whack and my chest hurt a bit. I just didn’t feel anything like myself.
As the night went on I started to panic. What was wrong with me? I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t calm down, and I felt like I was going mad. Around 6 am I crawled into my mother’s bed hoping that would calm me down but it didn’t. I succeeded in scaring her and myself. It was about this time that I realized that I was having a panic attack.
I haven’t had a panic in almost seven years. I haven’t been anxious so I ruled that out at first. Don’t you need to be worried about something to have a panic attack?
My mother called the EMTs and they were able to get me to calm down because I wasn’t able to do it by myself. But afterwards I felt weak and I felt vulnerable. I still don’t feel back to myself six days later. I guess I’m worried. I realize that I’m not as bulletproof as I’d like to think and that’s weighing heavily on me.
The attack made me realize that I need to put my needs first. My current mental health provider only treats bipolar disorder and schizophrenia. I’m currently having a lot of issues with my borderline and then of course the panic attack happened. Though I’ve had good care with the center and they helped me in my time of need, I realize I can’t let my loyalty overrule my health. So I took the first step and called a new provider that treats other issues. I’ll miss the people at the center but I can always keep in contact. I think I need to remember that.