They say curiosity killed the cat,
but satisfaction brought it back.
Well, my dear. I wonder why is that.
After finishing what was technically my third semester of college, I knew that I needed help.
I knew I needed help because the restlessness I had been fighting for almost ten years kept rearing its ugly head into my studies. It didn’t make sense. For the longest time I had desperately wanted to return to school.
I couldn’t or rather I wouldn’t let myself return sooner. I had to metaphorically beat myself up over my past sins. The grave mistake of leaving school because I dared to let my demons overcome me.
It seems like yesterday, but in reality it will be a decade in 2017 that I was officially diagnosed with my first mental illness. It was depression and from there the diagnoses changed as they are wont to do.
It was a bit of shock to me find out this summer when I opened the letter I had requested from my pdoc for college disability services. I’ve always been a curious person. I went a full week without opening that letter, but something told me open it as my grandmother would say. Maybe it was the demons? Maybe it was God? I don’t know. What matters is that I did open it.
The new diagnosis was schizoaffective disorder.
It goes without saying I was more than a little upset. I had was upset when they told me I had bipolar disorder as a teen, but I adjusted to that eventually. I don’t remember exactly how though is the problem. My memory has been affected by my mental illness, but now that I am on the correct medications I am gradually beginning to grasp at old photographs.
But I am still learning to deal with having what is essentially both schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. I want to be mad. I don’t know if I want to be mad at God or my genetics or what? The problem is that I won’t allow myself to be angry.
I’ve come a long way in therapy from the girl with the lowest self esteem and body image issue and mental health issues on the wazoo. I am getting there. As my mania fueled maxim says: Rome wasn’t built in a day while Caesar was in Gaul.