School Daze

Or rather college daze I suppose I should say. I have once again begun a new semester. It seems…unseemingly, but it took a lot to get back including paying back federal funds through a mishap on my part that I shan’t talk about anymore. No! The important thing is that I am back where I feel I belong.

What of writing you ask? I’m trying. I have a story in mind. Well, I always seem to have some type of story fluttering around in my head. It’s the execution part that I am the worst at lol.

This week has been good. The new year seems bright!

Curious George

They say curiosity killed the cat,

but satisfaction brought it back.

Well, my dear. I wonder why is that.

After finishing what was technically my third semester of college, I knew that I needed help.

I knew I needed help because the restlessness I had been fighting for almost ten years kept rearing its ugly head into my studies. It didn’t make sense. For the longest time I had desperately wanted to return to school.

I couldn’t or rather I wouldn’t let myself return sooner. I had to metaphorically beat myself up over my past sins. The grave mistake of leaving school because I dared to let my demons overcome me.

It seems like yesterday, but in reality it will be a decade in 2017 that I was officially diagnosed with my first mental illness. It was depression and from there the diagnoses changed as they are wont to do.

It was a bit of shock to me find out this summer when I opened the letter I had requested from my pdoc for college disability services. I’ve always been a curious person. I went a full week without opening that letter, but something told me open it as my grandmother would say. Maybe it was the demons? Maybe it was God? I don’t know. What matters is that I did open it.

The new diagnosis was schizoaffective disorder.

It goes without saying I was more than a little upset. I had was upset when they told me I had bipolar disorder as a teen, but I adjusted to that eventually. I don’t remember exactly how though is the problem. My memory has been affected by my mental illness, but now that I am on the correct medications I am gradually beginning to grasp at old photographs.

But I am still learning to deal with having what is essentially both schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. I want to be mad. I don’t know if I want to be mad at God or my genetics or what? The problem is that I won’t allow myself to be angry.

I’ve come a long way in therapy from the girl with the lowest self esteem and body image issue and mental health issues on the wazoo. I am getting there. As my mania fueled maxim says: Rome wasn’t built in a day while Caesar was in Gaul.

Currently Playing:

Allow Me To Re-Introduce Myself

My name is Destiny. I turned 25 a full two months ago. I turned 25 in a mental hospital. This was not my first time being in one. This was not my first time being in one during my birthday. This was however my first time  being admitted to one after suffering from a full blown psychotic break.

Psychosis and I have never been closer than we have been this year. She’s become a friend to me. She whispered in my ear: what was that? Are they talking about me? Is he angry? Does she hate me?

Even now that I’m stable my frenemy hasn’t completely left me yet. She’s leaving, but not without a fight.

I want to document my journey with schizoaffective disorder. The diagnosis is as much a surprise to me as anyone, but apparently not my mother and a hoard of doctors, nurses, and therapists. I had no idea this illness even existed. What is it? I asked. The simple answer?

Schizoaffective disorder is a serious mental illness with the symptoms of both either bipolar (my case) or depression and schizophrenia.

I feel like I’ve won the lottery of bad genetics. Woohoo you get BP and you get schizophrenia too!

So I’m going to try to work through this the best way I know how: through journaling/blogging and hopefully this blog can be of help to other confused souls like me.


2015 Contemporary Reading Challenge Sign Up

Hi guys. You know I read romance right? Well I want to stretch my wings a bit. (Not much but normally I read historical and more often YA.) So I’ve decided to sign up for this challenge. I’m doing the 1st base level and trying to read 1-5 books. (I’m leaning towards 5. I know have books that fit this challenge and this will force me to read them. :P) So here’s the badge.

2015 Contemporary Romance Reading Challenge

A Midsummer’s Nightmare by Kody Keplinger Review + A Little Brief Note

I haven’t been updating much about the Fifty Days of Grey. I haven’t forgotten about but I’ve take a little break. I intend to get back to it next year though so look out for the posts.

I just finished a book though. I’ve been in a young adult mood lately. I went to the library for the first time in months to check out some books. This is one of them.

A Midsummer's NightmareA Midsummer’s Nightmare by Kody Keplinger

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

This is my second Kody Keplinger and I enjoyed just as much as I did the first.

She writes family drama really well. I think that’s one of the reasons I enjoy them so much. I empathized with Whitley a lot during this book esp. with the father thing. I didn’t have the exact same situation as she did but I felt myself nodding along with her when she was describing her relationship with her father. Luckily I had a very present mother unlike she did but it hurts to know that your parent doesn’t care.

And I agree with someone who said it was felt like Greg took to long to come around. But it was a good climax.

And strangely I didn’t find the dating the stepbrother thing too weird. Maybe I’ve been watching too much Clueless.

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Two Reviews and a Video

Cinder (The Lunar Chronicles, #1)Cinder by Marissa Meyer

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

The first thing that I really noticed was that I read the first few chapters. The time just seemed to fly by.

I really liked Cinder and I thought Iko was so cute. I liked Prince Kai and I found myself mildly annoyed with Adri and Pearl.

Story wise I thought it was good. The plot moved a really good pace. I liked the way things unfurled.

But what really had me fascinated was the worldbuilding. I’m a sucker for it. The whole world is so fascinating. I mean cyborgs, androids, and aliens? The moon as a planet? Count me in!

I really liked this book and I’m excited to read more.

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The Bell JarThe Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath

My rating: 3 of 5 stars

I had heard about this book even before I could grasp what an enigma Sylvia Plath was. I knew the book was about mental illness. But I put off reading it until now.

I feel that Esther as a narrator is very blank. She has personality but it’s diminished. When I was going through my own illness I felt blank inside so I could relate.

I related to this book but the wow factor wasn’t here for me. With her poems I feel there’s so much talent but this book while good just didn’t do for me. I feel if she had written another book then maybe her skills could have grown. I very much prefer.her poems and even her journals. I feel like this book is missing passion.

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I finally have my internet back and I have access to my Nook books now that I have a tablet though I kinda wish I would have bought a tablet in the first place. My poor Kobo is going unused.

That’s the Way (Publishing) Goes

So according to my count I have sent out One Small Step four times. It still hasn’t found home yet. I haven’t given up but I’ve set the number of times I’ll send it out to ten times. If it hasn’t found a home by then I think I will retire it and work on others.

Speaking of working on stories I still haven’t finished another short story. I did finish the two sisters short story but I’ve decided to expand it into a novel.

But I have finished some flash fiction. Oh and that reminds me I sent out a drabble. I haven’t heard anything back on that. I sent out a narrative poem to the Southeast Review and I haven’t heard back from them.

But in some good news. The poem I sent to a specialist magazine was rejected but they encouraged me to send in more poems. I only sent in one the first time. Seeing that really made me happy. I haven’t written any poems suitable for the mag yet but I’m working on it.

In novel news I’m right smack dab in the middle of Art or Die. I’m about 40K in it and I’m shooting for 65K. I have to admit I haven’t been very inspired to write on it but I do like the story I’m just burnt out. 🙁

What about you guys? How are your writing projects going?

Still Alive

Yes I am still around though I haven’t even posted a weekly video in awhile. This is for two reasons. 1.) I go to school four days a week including Wednesday and I’m pretty tired when I get home 2.) Is that I unplugged my webcam to plug something else in. I don’t know what happened but I can get video but I can’t get audio anymore and I am too lazy to fix it.

But I am still reading. I have to say the school library has a lot of nonfiction which of course they should but the fiction pickings aren’t much so I’ve only checked out nonfiction. But I have been reading some things though I haven’t finished anything since at least early June or late May? Idk. I should be worried but I have been busy so I’m trying not to fret. I’ve gone longer without reading a book (Like a year or so) so as long as it doesn’t get that bad I’m fine.

I’m still obsessed with Sylvia Plath and I’m doing a speech on romance novels. Yep.

You’ve Got Time

I haven’t posted much in the way of content. I’ve recently started my first year of college and on Wednesday I don’t have the energy to post the videos.

But I am reading! I’m currently reading Where Dreams Begin by Lisa Kleypas. I love her books esp. the historical romance. She recently announced that she’s returning to the genre with a new series. Woop!

I hope to have up some reviews as summer winds down so look out for them!