I’m tired of being fucking reasonable
Of having to be calm, cool, collected
I want to be angry. I want to be mad.
I want to claim my birthright.
It has been calling to me for the longest
Through the ages from mitochondrial eve
Adam probably called her a bitch too.
I’m tired of having to smile. I’m tired of saying sorry
for things I didn’t do. I’m tired of everything.
I’m angry and I’m not allowed to be.
I must be the voice of reason.
The fucking mediator. A role I’ve taken since birth
Between two witches and a boar.
Is it black or blue?
This body that used to be
What am I going to do?
Here on the Earth without
Your crooked smile.
Your witch’s laugh
It’s so cliche but that saying is true. I’ll be the first to admit that I wasn’t always the best granddaughter, but I now see that I loved the hell out of my grandmother. I didn’t see it back then, but I was taking the steps to resolve my issues a long time before she died because of my fears of hurting her. I told someone I don’t know why it took her getting sick to see that. But I guess you can’t see the forest for the trees.
I never thought of myself as a superstitious person, but I’ve always been analytic. A few years ago I started to notice that every summer something bad would happen to me or my family. I’ve got a running tally. The Cruel Summers as I call them began in 2009 about a year after we moved to the city. I’m hoping 2016 will break the cycle.
Yesterday (It’s after midnight now my time) I went out to an artist’s gathering. I’ve been trying to put myself out there both with my work and myself. And this was perfect.
And it really was. I didn’t get to speak to many people but I realized that the artist community is alive and vibrant here in the city. It gave me a lot of hope and just being there made me feel grown and professional you know.
There’s a contest that’s happening. I’m planning on submitting the short story I’ve been working on and indeed I started rewriting my opening while I was there and on the way home. I’ve never felt so inspired.
There will be a market for the ‘unknowns’ that I’m planning on going to. I’m making a chapbook that I plan to offer and I’m looking for music to accompany me since I want to perform some of them aloud. The genre of music I’m looking at is called dark ambient. I think it fits since the theme of my chapbook is Uncertainty.
Uncertainty keeps recurring for me right now. I’m trying to finish my education and I’m not sure where I’ll end up and I don’t have any idea what my life is going to look like in 5 years time and I’m scared. Excited but really scared. So that’s the focus of the chapbook. I already have six poems written.