Curious George

They say curiosity killed the cat,

but satisfaction brought it back.

Well, my dear. I wonder why is that.

After finishing what was technically my third semester of college, I knew that I needed help.

I knew I needed help because the restlessness I had been fighting for almost ten years kept rearing its ugly head into my studies. It didn’t make sense. For the longest time I had desperately wanted to return to school.

I couldn’t or rather I wouldn’t let myself return sooner. I had to metaphorically beat myself up over my past sins. The grave mistake of leaving school because I dared to let my demons overcome me.

It seems like yesterday, but in reality it will be a decade in 2017 that I was officially diagnosed with my first mental illness. It was depression and from there the diagnoses changed as they are wont to do.

It was a bit of shock to me find out this summer when I opened the letter I had requested from my pdoc for college disability services. I’ve always been a curious person. I went a full week without opening that letter, but something told me open it as my grandmother would say. Maybe it was the demons? Maybe it was God? I don’t know. What matters is that I did open it.

The new diagnosis was schizoaffective disorder.

It goes without saying I was more than a little upset. I had was upset when they told me I had bipolar disorder as a teen, but I adjusted to that eventually. I don’t remember exactly how though is the problem. My memory has been affected by my mental illness, but now that I am on the correct medications I am gradually beginning to grasp at old photographs.

But I am still learning to deal with having what is essentially both schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. I want to be mad. I don’t know if I want to be mad at God or my genetics or what? The problem is that I won’t allow myself to be angry.

I’ve come a long way in therapy from the girl with the lowest self esteem and body image issue and mental health issues on the wazoo. I am getting there. As my mania fueled maxim says: Rome wasn’t built in a day while Caesar was in Gaul.

Currently Playing:

Allow Me To Re-Introduce Myself

My name is Destiny. I turned 25 a full two months ago. I turned 25 in a mental hospital. This was not my first time being in one. This was not my first time being in one during my birthday. This was however my first time  being admitted to one after suffering from a full blown psychotic break.

Psychosis and I have never been closer than we have been this year. She’s become a friend to me. She whispered in my ear: what was that? Are they talking about me? Is he angry? Does she hate me?

Even now that I’m stable my frenemy hasn’t completely left me yet. She’s leaving, but not without a fight.

I want to document my journey with schizoaffective disorder. The diagnosis is as much a surprise to me as anyone, but apparently not my mother and a hoard of doctors, nurses, and therapists. I had no idea this illness even existed. What is it? I asked. The simple answer?

Schizoaffective disorder is a serious mental illness with the symptoms of both either bipolar (my case) or depression and schizophrenia.

I feel like I’ve won the lottery of bad genetics. Woohoo you get BP and you get schizophrenia too!

So I’m going to try to work through this the best way I know how: through journaling/blogging and hopefully this blog can be of help to other confused souls like me.

 

Updates

It’s been awhile since I’ve posted here but there’s definitely something to update about. 

I am now currently doing DBT therapy with a really awesome counselor. It was really by a fluke that I came across this center though. 

 

See I had originally transferred to a different facility. On their site it said they treated BPD. I was with my therapist there for about two months or so. I only saw her about three times before she told me she would no longer be taking Medicare patients. 

 

Naturally I was upset but I set about finding someone that would accept my insurance and treated BPD. This was how I came across P.A.C.T. here in my city. I called and set up an appointment. 

 

I think I knew this would be the place for me when Caleb (my therapist) asked me about my gender. He specifically asked if I identified as female. I told him I did. But I was impressed that he knew about stuff like that. I mean living in the Deep South it’s not common for most people to know but he did. 

 

I’ve been in therapy with Caleb for about a month and I already feel better. I’ve been practicing my DBT skills and I feel a lot calmer honestly. I was filled with rage before but not so much anymore. 

 

The world works in mysterious ways but I’m glad I’ve finally got to someone who can treat this beast properly. 

 

I plan to update more soon. I have an appointment on Tuesday. 

Three Weeks with Lady X by Eloisa James

Three Weeks With Lady X (Desperate Duchesses, #7)Three Weeks With Lady X by Eloisa James

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

So I want to confess before I start this review that I did not read the book featuring Thorn’s father. I do intend to but I was so fucking excited when I found out that she was doing a series about one of the kids from the Desperate Duchesses series that I didn’t care. I wanted that book and I have waited patiently for it.

It was often mentioned that Thorn was a lot like Villers. Again since I haven’t read his book I’m not quite sure. But I feel like Thorn was less…cocky than Villers. Idk I can’t quite put my finger on it. They were alike but different. I don’t know. I am going off my impressions of Villers from four of the DD books so.

I really like India despite her ridiculous name. The grammar thing really endeared her to me. I also like that India and Thorn boned over their issues with their family. Family is a big theme with me. So I really liked those parts. And the parts with Rose! She really reminded me of an online friend with her somberness but acute eye you know? I really like that.

I give this book four stars. I really enjoyed it. I really did it. But I can’t quite rate it five stars for some reason. But it is a really good book.

View all my reviews

I was just thinking as I got ready to post this about something the title made me think about? It was of my ranting points about the YA genre that the H/Hr seemed to fall in love out of thin air? It irked me. It still irks me. But as I was thinking about that title and the fact that it happened in three weeks I’m starting to wonder. Am I hypocrite?

I mean the relationship times are similar. But I guess with the YA romances I’ve read the plot may be focused on something else. The main plot of a romance is the developing of a relationship so I suppose that might be why I don’t feel like the relationships are as developed in the YA especially since my main reading genre at the time was paranormal romance so of course there’s stuff going in the background so perhaps the romance gets rushed? Idk I was just thinking about that.

What about you? Do you think relationships in romance develop too quick? It can be either in the adult or the young adult genre. I’m interested in hearing people’s thoughts on this.

Northanger Abbey by Jane Austen Review

Northanger AbbeyNorthanger Abbey by Jane Austen

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

A little background on my relationship with Miss Austen.

I knew of Pride and Prejudice. It is like practically required to have read if you read romance particularly historical romance.

But see I hadn’t at least not up until 2010

In 2010 I set out to read it. So I started it. I started. Then I stopped. I started. Then I stopped. I was about 100 pages in when I gave up.

Then I decided to pick up the Penguin Classics version of War and Peace. I had previously tried to read it but again I dropped it. But surprisingly with this edition the prose was clear. It didn’t seem so dense and antiquated that I didn’t understand it.

So then I thought: Aha! I shall try it with Austen. So I went out and bought all six books…again in the Penguin edition.

And I finished it in about a day. It was nice but I wasn’t sure about how I felt about Miss Austen.

So then I tried Persuasion. I liked it but I still didn’t love it. It didn’t grab me. It was a lovely book to be sure but I wasn’t obsessed with the book or the author like I became after I read Jane Eyre.

Fast forward to 2014. For some reason I wanted to read the book of extra stuff I had bought by Austen but I could not for the life of me find that book. So I looked over and I decided I would read one of her mature works. I chose the shortest because I wanted something light.

So I started Northanger Abbey and the most curious thing happened. I liked it. I kept thinking about it. I had recently picked up Vilette but I kept returning to this one.

What I liked the most about this book was that it showed me that teenage girls have not changed much in the past two hundred years though a lot about the world has. I felt I could empathize with Catherine.

What particularly stuck out to me was the peer pressure. Any teen knows that is a big issue. I felt myself getting angry about how much John, James, and Isabella were pushing Catherine. But I understood how she felt.

What also stuck out to me was false friends. I had thought Isabella was a good friend but once I saw how she tried to manipulate Catherine and then her subsequent behavior I realized she wasn’t the best friend. I mean I know I have dealt with “friends” like that.

I only give this book four stars because of something I think is specific to Austen’s work or perhaps to all the authors writing in that time period. She does a lot of telling and I wanted more showing! The end was nice but I actually wanted to see it. I am after all a reader of this time but the ending left me feeling nice but unsatisfied. But reading this book gave me a new view of Miss Austen’s work. She’s really funny and I like her insight. I definitely won’t dread reading her books anymore.

View all my reviews